


Memoirs of a Half-Ghoul

by kenkamishiro



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-26 17:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenkamishiro/pseuds/kenkamishiro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is impossible," Saiko thinks. "Maybe I’m just really drunk. Maybe I’ve played too many video games. Maybe this is a sign from the almighty Arceus that I should get off my 3DS and start working for once."</p>
<p>Because how can she be looking at Maman, Sasaki Haise, Rank I CCG investigator and leader of the Quinx squad, as a child?</p>
<p>The Quinx experience the life of the half-ghoul formerly known as Kaneki Ken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Saiko

**Author's Note:**

> I've started writing again thanks to a wonderful AU I received on my tumblr (it's kenkamishiro if you want to check it out). I'm planning for this to be five chapters, one for each Quinx member.
> 
> Also, I'm not quite satisfied with this chapter, but if I don't post it now, I'm never going to post it XD

The first thing Saiko notices when she wakes up is that she isn’t in her warm and comfortable bed, but rather is sprawled on the cold hardwood floor.

_Did I fall asleep again while Maman was cleaning my ears?_ she wonders groggily. _But then he would have woken me up or brought me to my bed. Maybe the Quinx are pulling pranks on me. Mucchan’s too nice for that though. Maybe it’s damn Shirazu-kun cause I always oversleep…or maybe Promotion Freak._

Despite being very uncomfortable lying on the hard floor, Saiko wants to go back to sleep because she doesn’t want to make the effort of getting up and actually doing work that she didn’t even sign up for. She is about to fall asleep and hopefully go back to her dream of defeating Carnet and becoming the Kalos champion until she hears pages ruffling in front of her. There is someone else in the room with her.

_Probably Maman…but shouldn’t he be getting ready for work instead? And if it was him, I wouldn’t be lying  on this stupid floor. So who is it then?_

Curiosity overcoming her laziness, the blue-haired girl opens her eyes a slit.

A black-haired boy of around eight or nine is sitting on the floor a few feet away from her, leaning against a bookshelf in an unfamiliar room, and completely engulfed in the worn-out book he is reading. He looks familiar to Saiko, and she is wracking her brain trying to figure out who he is, until she hears a door creaking open. The boy jolts at the noise, then rushes out of the room.

Saiko fully opens her eyes and stares at the now empty space and contemplates whether she should just go back to sleep and pretend that this is a dream, or go outside and investigate the little boy. Again, curiosity wins over, because she knows she’s seen that boy before, but she can’t put a name to the face. She reluctantly crawls out the room and down the narrow hallway, and peeks around the corner. The little boy is facing the entrance, greeting who must have been his mother.

“Okaa-san, okaeri!” the black-haired child burbles happily to his mother. He is still holding onto his book, his thumb functioning as a makeshift bookmark to keep his page in place.

“Thank you, Ken,” the woman says in an endearing but tired voice. She enters the hallway and Saiko gets a good look at her. Same face as the boy’s, but with wrinkles at the corners of her eyes, and large round glasses that accentuate her dark eye bags.

Saiko’s eyes widen. _Those glasses with that face…_ Saiko looks back at the little boy who is still smiling. _No way. It can’t be…_

“How was your day, Okaa-san?” Ken asks as the two of them walk away from Saiko’s sight. She army-crawls further down the hallway and stops at the corner of the living room, where Ken and his mother are now sitting at the low table in the centre of the room.

“It was alright,” his mother replies. She sets her bag down on the table, and pulls out a couple of books from it.

Ken stretches his neck to get a better look. “Is that your work?”

His mother nods. “I just need to fix up a couple more things, and then I’ll make you dinner.” She gives him a warm smile. “You did very well on your last test, so how does burgers sound?”

Ken’s face lights up, but falls quickly. “But don’t you have work at night too? You’ll be too tired.”

She pats his head soothingly. “I’ll be fine. I could never get tired of cooking your favourite food to make you happy, Ken. By the way, can you tell me about what you’re reading right now? You’ve been hanging onto it for a while.”

The boy smiles again before enthusiastically going into a monologue about the book he is reading.

Saiko tunes out Ken’s words and slinks back into the room with the bookshelves. She lies against the door with a dumbfounded expression.

_This is impossible. Maybe I’m just really drunk. Maybe I’ve played too many video games. Maybe this is a sign from the almighty Arceus that I should get off my 3DS and start working for once._

Because how can she be looking at Maman, Sasaki Haise, Rank I CCG investigator and leader of the Quinx squad, as a child? How is she at least ten years into the past?

Remembering something, Saiko crawls madly around the room to see if she has dropped something.

“Not _The Girl Who Leapt Through Time_ then,” Saiko mutters a few minutes later when she doesn’t see anything resembling a walnut. “How am I supposed to get out of here? Is there a ‘return to main menu’ button or something…”

“Um, excuse me? What is that you’re wearing?”

Although Saiko can’t leap through time, she leaps at least three feet through space, and lands painfully on her butt. She also squeals, but pretends that that didn’t happen.

She looks up to see Ken peering at her shyly from the doorway. He is still holding on to his book. Now that he is looking directly at her instead of looking down at his book, she can see Maman’s familiar round grey eyes.

“Eek, you can see me?”

The boy looks confused. “Of course I can. But what are you wearing?”

Saiko looks down at her green outfit and pats her head, and realizes that she is wearing her Pepe onesie Maman had gotten her for Christmas.

“It’s Pepe…never mind, it probably doesn’t exist yet. Wait, how come you didn’t say anything while you were reading your book!” Saiko accuses him.

Ken scratches his chin. “You were there then? I might have been too absorbed in my book or something.”

Saiko wonders how he could miss a large ugly green frog lying directly in his line of sight, and how he isn’t questioning the existence of a stranger inside his house, but she lets his fib slide.

He taps his book nervously. “Um, my name is Kaneki Ken. I’m sorry about not noticing you earlier, onee-san. Would you like to join us for dinner?”

Saiko almost drools. “Really? That would be – oh, I couldn’t! I mean, I’m intruding in your house.”

Ken smiles. “It’s fine. You’re a guest, after all. I’ll go tell Okaa-san to make more burgers for you.”

He is about to leave when Saiko calls out, “My name is Saiko, by the way.”

Ken turns his back to her and smiles as he leaves the doorway.

“I know, Saiko-chan,” he whispers.

* * *

_Kaneki Ken…_ Saiko admits that the name has a certain ring to it, and matches the boy quite well. She can even imagine Maman as Kaneki Ken instead of Sasaki Haise. _So this is who Maman was before he lost his memories. He seems to be doing okay, even if his mom’s working a lot._

Saiko is about to get up and join Ken and his mother for dinner, but she blinks and the room transforms. It is still the same room, but now dusty and empty. The shelves that were once filled with books are now bare, and one of the bookshelves to Saiko’s right is lying on the floor, torn from the wall.

_What happened? Am I in another flashback now?_

Her question is soon answered when Ken walks back into the room, a couple inches taller and slimmer than he was just a moment ago.

Saiko immediately notices that something is wrong with Ken. Dull cloudy eyes, downturned mouth, and a melancholic expression replace his previously twinkling eyes and light-hearted smile.

“Ah, onee-san, you’re back,” he says flatly. The boy sits next to the empty bookshelf in the same spot where Saiko had first seen him.

She really doesn’t want to ask, given Ken’s current mood, but she does it anyway. “What happened to the room? Did you move out or something?”

“Yeah. It’s not like I could live in the house and pay for it by myself.”

Saiko respectfully lowers her gaze. “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Ken runs his finger along the dusty bookshelf. “It’s okay. I’m staying with my aunt and her family now.”

“How is it there?” She almost says that she’s relieved for him to be with his family, but she remembers her past experiences, and how family can be a bitch.

“Not bad,” he mutters, “but she doesn’t like me. She only took me in because my mother helped her out a lot. Thankfully, she ignores me now, but when she doesn’t I come over here instead. I feel like I can sense my parents here,” he smiles wanly.

Saiko knows there’s more to the story, but she doesn’t pry. She looks at the boy, who would grow up to be her boss and second mother. Although Saiko has given Sassan a hard time, he has been more of a mom to her than her actual mother has, and it hurts to seem him so depressed.

“You’re unhappy, right?”

Ken stares at her for a few moments before laughing nervously and scratching his chin with his left hand. “Well, I shouldn’t really complain. I have Hide, and he’s a great friend. And at least I have a roof to sleep under, even though it’s not the greatest place…”

“If you’re unhappy, you should say so,” Saiko blurts out. Ken looks at her, slightly surprised.

“I mean,” Saiko gulps, “if you’re not happy, you should acknowledge that instead of bottling it up. I know…because I have some issues with that as well.” She thinks back to when her mom signed the operation consent form to turn her own daughter into a monster, just for the monetary compensation. She wishes she had the courage to take her brother and leave her mother and her stupid bar. _Mother, not mom. Sassan is my mom now._

Ken curls up into a ball. “I’m not sure if I can do that. Okaa-san taught me to be the person who gets hurt instead of hurting others. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

_What. What kind of a motto is that? Why would a mother teach her child that?? I guess it’s not going to be that easy to make him feel better. But it’s the least I can do, after all the times that Maman has cleaned my ears and made me food, even though he can’t eat it himself._ Saiko sighs and extends a hand towards Ken.

“Um, since we both have issues with that, why don’t we work on it together, Maman? So we can both be happy.”

The boy stares at her outstretched hand. Saiko is afraid that he won’t take it, but he carefully places his hand on hers.

“I don’t know why you’re calling me Maman, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to try,” he says shyly. A small smile creeps across his face, and Saiko sees a familiar face with pudding-hair superimposed over Ken’s.

“Thanks, Saiko-chan.”

* * *

 

Saiko gasps, her eyes fly open, and she is now staring at a crumbly baby blue ceiling. She immediately sits up and shifts her eyes around the room. Posters, 3DS and PSP on the bed, hair dryer on the floor, check.

_It seemed so real though…and how could my imagination come up with a child Maman?_

Saiko hears the clang of pots and the sizzling on a frying pan outside, and her thoughts go back to the little boy. She smiles softly, gets up and leaves her warm cocoon of blankets, and walks out of her room, past the clock sitting on her dresser with a big red 8:00 AM flashing on the screen.


	2. Mutsuki I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is tasteless and Mutsuki tastes the floor.

The last thing Mutsuki remembers before falling asleep at around midnight is reading Takatsuki Sen’s novel _The Black Goat’s Egg_ at his desk. He’s pretty sure he didn’t fall asleep in an unfamiliar café for over ten hours, because he would remember something like that, right?

Mutsuki yawns quietly and wipes the sleep from his eyes, quickly lifting his eyepatch in the process. He takes a moment to take in his surroundings.

The café is warm, sunlight softly filtering through the nearby trees and casting the café and the cherry wood wainscoting in a warm glow. He is sitting at a round table, _The Black Goat’s Egg_ placed exactly in the centre. From his window seat he can see a bar, which is also adorned with cherry wood and stainless steel. Behind the bar are shelves stocked with an amalgam of glass jars filled with coffee beans and spices, and a pair of ornate pink and blue teacups.

The café is bustling with customers and waiters moving around the small but classy space. Mutsuki scans the room for any signs as to where in the world he is right now, but the only thing he takes notice of is the two copies of _The Black Goat’s Egg_ , owned by two different customers.

The first is a bespectacled young woman with long purple hair. She is sitting by herself reading the book, although every so often she peeks up at the other owner and adjusts the top of her dress to reveal more cleavage. Mutsuki grimaces and turns to the second person, a baby-faced boy with neat black hair and large grey eyes, probably around his age. He is sitting with the novel leaning against the table, and occasionally sips from a cup.

Mutsuki admits that he is always hyperaware of his surroundings. It started around when he was twelve, when he would hear catcalls and men whispering about his body. But even though he has transitioned into a man, the habit has stuck with him. So instead of leaving the café and heading back to the Quinx apartment, he sticks around to observe the two people who are coincidentally reading the same novel that he had been reading before he fell asleep. Plus, something seems familiar about that boy. But he needs to confirm something first.

The investigator checks his pockets for change, which he has, miraculously. He briefly checks the menu, raises his hand, and a waitress quickly arrives. If he’s staying here, he might as well not give a reason for the employees to kick him out for not ordering anything.

“Can I get a Peruvian ro-“ Mutsuki trails off and stares at the waitress with wide eyes.

“Peruvian roast? Would you like sugar and cream with that?”

Mutsuki doesn’t answer.

“Uh, sir? Are you alright?” The waitress leans in towards Mutsuki, which finally brings him out of his thoughts.

“Um, yes. Both, please,” he stammers, and the girl nods and leaves the table to fill his order.

Even though her hair is a different colour and is a lot less fluffier, Mutsuki is certain that that waitress is the younger version of Kirishima-san, the barista of the :re café that the boss frequents.

_I’m pretty sure this is a dream now…but how did I even come up with stuff like this? At least this isn’t one of my nightmares where I lose control like…_

Mutsuki shivers at the memory. He likes Sasaki, he really does. The Quinx mentor is one of the kindest (and dorkiest) people that he has ever met, taking care of Mutsuki and the others as if they were his own children. He is the closest thing to a family that Mutsuki has. But when he saw Sasaki with his kagune out, cracking his fingers loudly and spearing Serpent in the gut with a sadistic and deranged grin, Mutsuki couldn’t help but think that _he_ was going to die, not Serpent.  Even though Sasaki had risked his life to protect the squad, Mutsuki has been slightly apprehensive of him ever since. Every time he thinks of Sasaki Haise the SS-rated half-ghoul, the anxiety clutches his chest and refuses to let him breath.

“One Peruvian roast with sugar and cream.”

Mutsuki snaps back to attention and his eyes refocus on Kirishima-san, who is holding a tray of his coffee and the sugar and cream.

“Thank you very much,” he replies as the waitress places the coffee on the circular table.

“No problem. Also,” she pauses as if she is trying to find the right words, “are you feeling well? You were looking a bit pale there.”

“Yes, yes, don’t worry,” he reassures her.

She smiles. “Alright, then. If you need any-“

“Ah, actually, there is one thing! Sorry,” Mutsuki apologizes sheepishly when he realizes that he interrupted her, “but what is this café called?”

Kirishima-san looks at the investigator in disbelief. “You mean you came in here without looking at the sign in the front of the store?”

“Um, yeah!” Mutsuki laughs, albeit slightly forcefully. “I was just paying too much attention to my book.”

The waitress looks down and sees the Takatsuki novel. She snorts. “What a coincidence. You have the same book as those two.” She motions towards the two that Mutsuki had spotted earlier. “You three should start a Takatsuki Sen book club or something.”

“Maybe…”

“I should warn you though,” she leans in towards Mutsuki’s ear, “don’t go near that girl. She’s trouble.”

Mutsuki looks at her quizzically. “Why? She seems nice enough.”

“Anything but,” she mutters under her breath. “But if you value your life, don’t talk to her, alright?”

Surprised at how genuine her warning seems, Mutsuki nods.

“Why are you telling me this though? I’ve never met you before.”

Kirishima-san unconsciously turns her head to the right. _To where the black-haired boy is sitting_ , Mutsuki notes.

“I don’t know why. But you remind me of someone I know. Anyways, I need to serve the other customers. I hope you enjoy your coffee.”

The waitress turns her head back towards Mutsuki one last time.

“Ah, I almost forgot. Welcome to Anteiku.”

* * *

 

_Anteiku, Anteiku…where have I heard that before?_ Mutsuki ponders thoughtfully. He taps his fingers against the still-full coffee mug. As he had suspected after taking a sip of the tasteless coffee, this was a dream. Not that he hadn’t realized it though after seeing the younger Kirishima-san.

_Anteiku…I’m sure I’ve heard of it while I was at the CCG Academy though._

The investigator’s thoughts are interrupted again, this time by the screech of a chair leg scraping against the floor. From his peripheral vision Mutsuki sees the violet-haired girl leave the table with her cup and tray in hand. She walks past him and inches closer and closer to the boy, until…

“S-sorry!” the boy exclaims.

“I’m sorry,” the girl says, embarrassed to have knocked over a stranger’s book right out of his hands. Mutsuki sees her pick up the boy’s novel and stare at it intently. _Smooth, she did that on purpose._

“Oh, this is interesting. I was just reading that too…do you like her? Takatsuki?” she asks him.

The boy stares at her breathtaking smile before half-shouting like a kid on Christmas morning, “Y-y-y-yes! I absolutely love Takatsuki Sen!”

Mutsuki has to look away due to the second-hand embarrassment. Not like he is any better though. Mistaking a dog as a ghoul is way more cringe worthy.

_Wait a second…second-hand embarrassment? Why didn’t I notice it before?_

Mutsuki looks back up immediately at the boy, and listens as he goes on about his favourite Takatsuki novels. The investigator sighs. _No wonder that guy looked so familiar…he’s Sasaki-san! Or rather, will be Sasaki eventually…he looks so young though, almost like a child._

Mutsuki blinks, and the tranquil morning scene transforms into night time. He is no longer in the café, but in a dingy room and sitting at a wooden desk. He looks out at the night sky, without a single star in sight thanks to Tokyo’s light pollution. There is a construction crane on the other side of the building, and several steel beams are attached to it. _Another part of my dream, huh._

He hears a commotion outside, and peeks his head out and looks down at the dark alley. In the remnants of the dim streetlight are two silhouettes…Sasaki and the girl. At least, he’s pretty sure it’s the girl, because he can only see her backside.

_So he went on a date with her_ , Mutsuki smiles. The girl leans in towards Sasaki and places her head against his shoulder, and the boy stiffens at the contact. Mutsuki shifts his eyes at the PDA, but something compels him to keep watching. He looks back just in time to see the girl lift her head and –

A shrill scream accompanies a loud chomp. Sasaki falls onto the ground, and his body is shaking in terror. The girl remains standing.

_What’s going on? What happened to the boss? If only it was a bit brighter so I can see what’s going on!_ Mutsuki cups his ears towards the two, and he can just make out what the girl is saying.

“…where the Black Goat catches a man who’s running away in bewilderment and rips out all his entrails,” she sings mockingly. “No matter how many times I read that part, _it always makes me shudder_ ,” she says, her voice dropping down an octave.

Mutsuki shivers. He knows what’s going to happen, but he could be wrong, right? Absolutely off the mark.

And then he hears that familiar whoosh and crackling sound, and Mutsuki’s heart sinks. He watches, completely frozen as the girl’s kagune (which looks a lot like Sasaki’s) is let out. The tentacles undulate through the air, four snakes obeying their snake charmer. He watches as Sasaki finally gets up and runs away from his date, screaming in terror until the kagune wraps around his ankle and pulls him back towards hell. He watches as the ghoul guts Sasaki, his blood painting the sidewalks and buildings. His mentor is dying, but Mutsuki can’t do a thing about it.

_Move you idiot oh god I can’t do it I can’t do it I can’t even save the boss in a dream why am I so useless I can’t even control the stupid kakugan and the kagune I don’t wanna end up like Sasaki but I don’t wanna be useless and weak why am I even here why am I even a Quinx why did I get the dumb operation oh god I need to help him–_

All Mutsuki hears is the ghoul’s crazed laughter and derisive voice. A bright light flashes across his field of vision, and he instinctively looks at the source: a crane that is slowly moving its load off the roof of the building and right onto where–

“No!” he shrieks. Noticing a fire escape right outside, he climbs out the window and hoists himself over the railing onto the fire escape. He sprints down the stairs, skipping two to three steps each stride. When he reaches the end, he jumps several feet down onto the ground without a blink. He turns around, and Sasaki is leaning against the wall, looking up at the ghoul. He looks like he is about to cry. Even if the girl is a ghoul and about to have a meal, if Mutsuki doesn’t warn them about the steel beams, then Sasaki won’t survive.

“Hey!” Mutsuki screams as he runs towards them. “Move! Get away from there!” _I need to do something. I need to be helpful._

The ghoul looks at Mutsuki, her beautiful face twisted irately. But all Mutsuki can see are her kakugan, red irises practically glowing in the black abyss of her eyes.

Then _clunk_ goes the steel beams, and he can almost see it in slow motion as it flattens the ghoul into a bloody pancake of cracked limbs and twitching red snakes, and the scene suddenly shifts again.

He is gripping a cup of water tightly, and downs it in one go. Water splashes onto his shirt. He runs to the fridge and pulls random items out. He drinks the milk straight from the carton, and his stomach lurches painfully. He rushes to the sink and regurgitates it. Hamburger, comes back out as ground beef. Apple, back out as applesauce. Chips, back out as runny mashed potatoes. The sink is clogged. The floor rocks unevenly as he stumbles to the bathroom and feeds the toilet. Pounding headache and body shivers. He washes his mouth as best he can. Gripping the bathroom sink, he looks up at the mirror to see the reflection of former Sasaki, pale face with water dripping down his face, left eye with a black sclera and red iris.

Mutsuki falls onto a hardwood floor. He lies there, limbs sprawled and forehead touching the ground. He heaves; his heart feels like it’s going to burst. He slowly lifts his hand to his face, feels the cotton eyepatch covering his kakugan and sighs in relief. Just a dream, nothing more.

“Excuse me? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Mutsuki responds automatically. He slowly gets back on his feet, and realizes he is back at Anteiku. _Thank goodness, this is a lot better._

He turns around to thank the person, and freezes. He points, and the only thing he can think to say is:

“I thought you were dead!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not done with Mutsuki yet. I was originally planning to write all of him into one chapter, but there's just so much I want to write about, so I'll be splitting Mutsuki's POV into several chapters (three chapters tentatively). It's also easier for me to update on a regular basis.
> 
> Again, any constructive feedback is greatly appreciated! My tumblr is kenkamishiro if you want to check it out or just say hi :)

**Author's Note:**

> Just a couple things I want to note from this chapter:  
> \- Carnet is Diantha from the Pokemon XY games (the Japanese version).  
> \- "okaeri" = welcome home  
> \- Saiko is looking for a walnut-shaped object from "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time", which allows time travel.
> 
> It's a bit rusty, so I would appreciate any constructive feedback :) Thanks for reading!


End file.
